my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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