Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
