You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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