I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
