it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
