im about as happy as oj after his trial
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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