I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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