John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
