that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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