I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
