and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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