turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
