I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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