Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
