I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
