My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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