beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
