soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
