Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
