I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
