I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
