I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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