so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
