So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
