You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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