if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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