Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
