not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
