I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
