Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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