did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
