Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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