woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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