i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
