Apparently you make a good broom.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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