I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
