We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
