Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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