Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
