I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
