Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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