we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
