Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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