So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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