Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
