if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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