At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just pee around me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
