remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
