why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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