You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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