Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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