I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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