i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And then my night got REAL pukey
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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