I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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