You can't special order awesome
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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