That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
