Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
