just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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