What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
