Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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