I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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