So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I did not marry a roomba.
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