I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The best revenge is premature balding
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
