I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
