I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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