we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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