Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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