I wish I only lived at night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
